This morning, I was feeling sort of “off”-knowing I needed some kind of practice but not sure what to choose. I felt restless and sad from feeling the weight of the world and the overwhelming fear and uncertainty about what this country, this world is becoming, the unbelievable violence and injustice and yet also aware of my privilege which can be insulating and blinding… and on and on. In the midst of all that, I added judgment and fear about my own, sometimes stalled, healing work.
The temperatures outside were cooler than usual for July, and it was cloudy. Even though I prefer the sun, I felt like I needed to be out there doing… something? So, I focused on the crazy overgrowth in front of my place, noticing how the tall grasses and weeds were choking out the flowers and tomatoes that I planted. In that moment I was sure I needed to do “real”work, and that practice must wait! At the same time, I was not really into it, seeing a long, dirty, unforgiving job ahead.
Anyway, with a resigned sigh, I first cut the tall grasses back and shared them with my horse and his pal. That was the beginning of the shift. I suddenly saw these things that I felt must be removed in a new light. The weeds had another purpose now- these troublemakers, were providing so much joy to the horses that it shifted my mindset about the troubles of the day. And once the grasses were shorter, weeding didn’t look like such a big job after all. At first, I had on boots, and was about to get my gloves when I realized that the angst of today called for grounding more than anything. So, I strode barefoot into the garden and began digging in the dirt with bare hands. In the beginning, I was overwhelmed and sure I couldn’t do it all in one sitting. But then I decided to just do a little and see what happened.
I was quickly brought to the place of focus, presence and ease that I had been longing for, right here in the midst of the weeds, wind, earth, and miraculous, persistent growing things and I suddenly found myself learning from the process, grateful to the weeds and their teachings, and to myself for allowing myself to change mental and emotional gears for a moment. To drop in. To just this moment.
Seems this simple weeding was practice after all…
Here’s some of what I learned/remembered/thought:
~When I’m impatient with the weeds, I simply pull the tops off, and then can be sure that the weeds will be back in full force tomorrow, making double the work. The more patient choice is to painstakingly pull each blade or clump by the root. In that moment, I was experiencing exactly what I teach in yoga nidra, exactly the theme of my summit last fall-Getting to the Root of Modern Dis-Ease…and the insights and deeper understandings of why and how I practice and teach my healing work began to flow. Right here. In the dirt.
~Superficial work will not really help. It is time to get deep and dirty.
~Our subconscious “garden” is populated by the experiences we have, including things both known and hidden from us. Everything in our environment, every experience leaves an imprint, sets roots and grows. Some of our experiences are like weeds that serve no good purpose, others are providing the food, the fuel to become who we really are; still others are there to bring joy to the heart and beauty to the world. This is important because the subconscious mind controls our lives. Our job, our practice, then, is to become a conscious gardener: to first SEE the weeds, to know that they are there because we are alive. Maybe they are made up of impressions implanted as a child that served us and kept us safe at one time, but don’t anymore, or ancestral/familial beliefs and patterns passed down through time, or the unhealed wounds of our caregivers that we inherited by default. We must also consider the effect of the media, culture, indoctrination, and who knows what else, leading to unquestioned beliefs and cherished certitudes, many of which are likely NOT ours, that we blindly accepted and incorporated into our lives without even knowing that questioning was a possibility.
~In a perfect world this subconscious sorting to keep what serves and compost the rest happens when we are asleep-in the dreamtime. But alas, we are so stressed out that the latest statistics show that 86% of Americans are sleep deprived….and that was BEFORE a worldwide pandemic and social unrest, and everything else on top of our own traumas and unprocessed emotions and grief…. When we don‘t get the rest we need, there is no time for our innate healing intelligence to sort and “pull the weeds” that don’t belong. So, they overgrow and kill the good things-the heart and soul of the garden, the person who we are here to be. They effectively hide our light.
~ The paradox: it is curious to me that some of the weeds that are particularly ferocious looking have shallow roots; and some of the fragile little ones, on the other hand, may be nearly impossible to pull. You just can’t always tell at first glance so each must be respected and tended in the way it needs. That goes for your wounds too. And other people. And their wounds.
~There is a visceral sense of satisfaction in pulling the weeds by the root-far greater than just clipping them. The same goes for identifying a core old belief or pattern and truly seeing that it has outlived its usefulness. It may well have kept us safe at some time in the past, and for that we can be very grateful. But now, it is time to dig it up and let it go, as compost for the universe.
~The earth herself is healing for us. Energetically, we exchange electrons with the earth, and she takes on all the static electricity that we build up in our hermetically sealed, stressful, indoor , traumatized lives, and gives us an energetic boost of loving and supportive energy that is available to all of us, with NO exceptions. Being barefoot in the grass, especially in the morning dew or after a rain shower is particularly grounding. Water conducts electricity and we are energetic beings. Energy work of all kinds is good medicine. That is why I practice and teach it with deep gratitude. It changes everything.
~A sense of joy that I didn’t anticipate arose and settled in. Yes, It came with a feeling of accomplishment, but it was deeper. I blessed the grasses, who were simply in the wrong place, offering some to the horses and some to compost so that their lives were not in vain. But then I got entangled in thinking of the tragic results that can happen when people are simply caught in the wrong place at the wrong time. And how easy it is to harm them if we are not aware of, or don’t have the tools to care because of our own traumas, and have no idea how to be compassionate. If we don’t tend ourselves and heal these wounds, we can depersonalize and see others as weeds that need to be removed. Again-huge tragedy that is playing out in the world today in large and small ways by all of us. Hmmmm-it feels essential to be aware of and careful with this…to hold it and consider it with care.But I know that I don’t really know exactly what to do or say, as this is such an immense, heart-wrenching problem disconnection. I try my best to not be tone deaf or color blind, and I have to believe that these moments of basking and pondering make me more understanding, aware and compassionate, more willing and able to work with the blind spots that will inevitably arise. And I know that I still have lots of work to do.
I wish I knew how to fix this mess. I do not. all I can do is try to be kind. But there is a lesson in the weeds and in this poem, which touches my heart ….
Mercy
by Rudy Francisco
She asks me to kill the spider.
Instead I get the most
peaceful weapons I can find.
I take a cup & a napkin
I catch the spider put it outside
and allow it to walk away.
If i am ever caught in the wrong place
at the wrong time just being alive
and not bothering anyone
I hope I am greeted
with the same kind
of mercy.
~Sometime later, as I began to get tired, I came to the next dilemma, which is also a familiar one: “How much is Enough?“ No matter how hard I work, there will always be another weed that springs up. Maybe, I thought, this is time to cultivate awareness of what “enough” really is, and to hold whatever I decide for today with kindness rather that judgment. I also noticed a different felt sense in pulling each individual weed, one at a time, compared to looking at the whole of the garden and the scope of the work, which made me tend toward overwhelm. AHA! Another perfect example of cultivating the capacity to experience “just this moment” …. not the past, not the future. Just this. And I truly got much more done, one blade at a time and enjoyed myself much more completely that I would have if I had kept checking on how much more there was to do. One of the many perils of living in a society that values productivity above all. Awareness is key.
~ That brought up another important thing: how many times do we fail to listen to the body when it sends signals of fatigue? Hunger? Pain? Sadness? Fear? Joy? The need for connetion? This is a reminder to drop in, listen and heed the call. Your body speaks your mind, and the body changes and begins to communicate before the story begins in the mind. SO, the more present in the body, the more control over the mind. Productivity will not be the result anyway, if you are forcing yourself to work when exhausted and need rest. Sometimes stepping back from the overwhelm is just the right thing to do. Once you are rested and recharged, you will have the energy you need to begin again. ( and again, I am aware of the privilege of choosing to take a break…)
So this weed pulling extravaganza became a very visceral reminder of the importance of the ongoing healing work that I personally do and that I share with clients and students. Practicing awareness in this way helps us all get to the very root of the dis-ease we may be feeling; the trauma, pain, misunderstanding, grief, anger and fear must be pulled out by the root to truly heal. This must be done with great tenderness, gentleness and care though, pulling the weeds only when they are ready to be pulled. It is important to be respectful of that. Each life lesson, no matter how hard, has value and must be lived in full. Rushing ahead to just “get it done” inevitably leaves fragments behind that will indeed show up again. It is important to honor the weeds for their gifts and once they are fully understood and felt, to choose to let them go. Sometimes it is necessary to soften and turn the ground first, give the weed, the pain, the habit, a gentle tug, see if it is ready to let go, and if not, if there is too much resistance, to be patient, trusting that it is not yet time. Maybe just knowing this is enough for today.
In our busy western culture, we often long for “Emotional Round-Up”-something magical to spray to kill all the “problems” so we can be free in the same way that we long for , even expect, a magic pill to cure physical woes immediately. At first glance, it seems easier and less cumbersome and disruptive to plans to rush though than to make grand life changes. In physiologic terms though, resistance adds immensely to suffering, so agreeing to make lifestyle changes that we resist at first, pulling emotional weeds, one at a time, turns out to be a kinder, gentler, more healing way to shift old habits without harming ourselves, others or the environment.
These thoughts are by no means inclusive or complete. Nor are they meant to be the “truth” or dogma. It is simply a heart offering. I know I have blind spots. May I be open to seeing them and learning with grace.
There is always more work to do, but maybe for today, this work is complete. These musings. This weeding. This enjoyment and realization. The awareness of all the suffering in the world. It just feels right to say it is enough. For now.
If any of this resonates with you, maybe you’ll consider attending one of my online live donation-based yoga nidra classes. We meet bimonthly for 90 minutes. The first 30 minutes are spent settling in, effectively softening the ground, to connect with the earthiness of our individual experience, which prepares the ground for deeper work. Then we are able to have a deeper relaxing and restorative experience as we let go of energy blocks in the body. In yoga nidra practice, we intentionally begin to plant seeds that will allow us to grow the subconscious garden we are meant to grow in this lifetime. The subconscious mind is the captain of your ship. Your inner light is meant to shine and is NOT meant to look like any other. When you live from your individual truth, soul, heart, whatever you wish to call it, you can be fully, compassionately and unapologetically alive. And that, my friends is what the world needs.
“See it (life) for the fathomless mystery it is. In the boredom and pain of it, no less than in the excitement and gladness: touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it, because in the last analysis all moments are key moments, and life itself is grace”
~Frederick Buechner (Now and Then, 87).
If you would like more support, I also offer online guidance sessions incorporating all I have learned in my healing path including my western medical training, yoga/yoga nidra, mindfulness meditation, Eden energy work, and the neuroscience of trauma and deep healing…and the experience of lots of years pulling my own weeds. My wish is to help us all create the conditions that allow healing to occur naturally. Email me for cost and availability
I invite you to know that you are in charge of your life experience, to become like that conscious gardener, cultivating the ground, pulling weeds that don’t belong to you, and then intentionally and consciously planting your own seeds to allow yourself to come forth in your fullest, most magnificent glory. That in my humble opinion, is what this lifetime is for. To learn to be YOU and share YOUR gifts with the world. We are all waiting for YOU to find the intersection between your own deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger.( Frederick Buechner again!)
Sending you all lots of love-
Happy heart gardening!
Love gina
🙏💕🌻☮️🌎🌺
